Britney Spears: The Inevitable Weird Rehab Suicide Attempt
By www.hecklerspray.com
Britney Spears Suicide Attempt rehab
antichrist 666 Kevin Federline
beddingAnyone with even the vaguest
passing interest in pop will have
noticed that all isn't especially well
in the world of Britney Spears right
now, and it didn't exactly take a genius
to guess that a Britney Spears suicide
attempt was on the cards, either.
But what nobody could have guessed at in
a million years is just how mental
Britney Spears' suicide attempt would
be. Perhaps realising that something
spectacular would be needed to top her
previous zany exploits, Britney Spears
reportedly scrawled the number 666 on
top of her bald head, ran around her
rehab centre screaming "I am the
Antichrist!" and then tried to hang
herself with a bed sheet, before seeing
the error of her ways and possibly
deciding to get back with Kevin
Federline for some reason. Of course, we
should have seen this coming - in her
song Oops I Did It Again, you can
clearly hear Britney Spears sing "Oops I
did it again/ I painted spooky numbers
on my shiny head, loudly proclaimed
myself to be the human embodiment of the
universe's evil in front of some drug
addicts and then tried to do myself in
with some bedding/ Oh baby baby."
There was a time when every little girl
on the planet wanted to be Britney
Spears and dress up as a schoolgirl and
sing songs about men hitting them in the
face and them liking it, but not any
more. Britney Spears effectively stopped
being a role-model around the time that
a statue was made of Britney with a
baby's head poking out of her arse, but
just to reinforce the point that she's
fallen from grace, Britney Spears has
been indulging in some pretty heavy-duty
crazy lately.
This started off in the normal way -
Britney Spears showed you her vagina and
then gushed puke into her boyfriend's
hands like a manky vending machine - but
it wasn't nearly disturbing enough to
hit home properly. And that's when
Britney Spears shaved off all her hair,
tried to go to rehab before leaving the
next day, then smashed up a car with an
umbrella in an uncomfortable show of
instability before trying out rehab
again. Still not convinced that Britney
Spears is in the middle of a fairly
serious breakdown? Well then, Britney
Spears will write evil biblical numbers
on her dome, shriek about being Satan
and then try to hang herself with part
of a bed, just for you. News Of The
World reports:
In a week of rehab madness the bonkers
beauty wrote the number of the beast,
666, on her shaved head before running
round the clinic screaming "I am the
Antichrist!" at frightened staff. "Later
that night she tried to kill herself," a
friend told us. "She attached a sheet to
a light and tied it around her neck.
Paramedics were called, but luckily she
was unhurt." … Her pal told us: "She is
still very vulnerable. Last Saturday she
said she had the number 666 written onto
her bald head. She was crying, and
shouting, ‘I am the Antichrist!' The
clinic people just didn't know what to
do. Then she started screaming, ‘I'm a
fake! I'm a fake!' It must have been
really frightening. When she tried to
hang herself it was more a cry for help."
It's thought that Britney Spears'
suicide attempt was spurred on by one of
three things; a) a rumoured fondness for
crystal meth, b) her ongoing break-up
with Kevin Federline or c) the fact that
some idiot let Britney talk to Daniel
Baldwin last week. We're guessing c.
But, hey, at least this story has a kind
of happy ending. Although Britney Spears
has cut off all her hair, declared
herself to be the Antichrist and tried
to kill herself, the ever-supportive
presence of Kevin Federline appears to
have placated her to the point where
Britney Spears now wants to get back
with him and have more of his babies
because he's apparently now a changed man.
We're sure that Kevin taking his kids to
see Britney in rehab must've helped
Britney stop trying to murder herself
while screaming about being the devil -
but, really? More kids with Kevin
Federline? He's a man whose career
highlight came when he fried some chips
on an advert once. Which technically is
a better career highlight than going
bald, daubing unconvincing satanic
birthmarks on your head and claiming to
be an evil supernatural entity in front
of some people with substance abuse
problems, but still…
